Blue

So - I've been feeling pretty down lately. There are a lot of good things going on in my life but focusing on them doesn't make my "blue" feeling go away. Doing fun things only lasts until the fun thing ends and then it comes back. I feel a little like Eeyore lately. There are a ton of worry - inducing things going on in my life - that I won't elaborate on because it involves others - but that doesn't help anything. I'm really feeling gross physically lately. I can't lose weight. I cut 700 calories out of my eating and I work out 3 times a week (burning around 500 calories per workout) and not only am I not losing weight. I am still gaining weight. I know it "could be muscle weight" But after two months - no, that's not just muscle. I think it's a combination of my messed up genes and the huge amount of stress I've been under lately. But that stress is job related and I can't quit my job so there is not really a way around it. It doesn't help that I am an emotional eater. So either I comfort myself and eat yummy food while destroying my diet, or I am good and stay with my diet and stay "uncomforted" I know I need to find a better coping device but seriously - what is better than a crap ton of carbs when your upset? Also - I know it's silly but I feel like a failure as a teacher. I love teaching more than I love breathing. I feel like I'm a good teacher - and everyone who has seen me teach has told me thus. But I have applications in just about every district in Ohio and I don't even get a call. For 5 months. The most communication I get is rejection e-mails. Yes, I have a decent job right now but it's going to give me a heart attack by the time i'm 25. I want to teach and I don't understand why I can't even get an interview.

So - sorry about the angsty post. Just needed to vent,

Next Step

So student teaching is over. Crazy right? Since I was in 5th grade I knew where I wanted to go to school and what I wanted to major in. I worked my butt off to get good grades because I knew I'd need a lot of scholarships. I worked most of my life to get into college. Now I'm out of college. Now what? It's a terrifying concept for me. For the girl who has had everything planned out for the next step of her life - now it's a big giant question mark. Okay - not that dramatic. I know I want to find a teaching job and if I don't I'll sub. But I so desperately want a teaching job and they are not easy to find. I am also not a competitive person. I hate the idea of me getting a job meaning somebody - possibly one of my friends - doesn't. I'm terrified that I'm not even going to get called for an interview. It's driving me crazy not knowing what's going to happen next. I have to completely put it out of my head or I can't enjoy the fact that I did graduate and I'm on summer break. But invariably someone always brings it back up. When I get a job - I promise I will be shouting it from the roof tops. I'm terrified that I'm going to fall flat on my face and watch everyone else succeed. I hate that it is not really in my control. I can fill out applications by the tons and be charming, and qualified and perfect and still not get a job. I'm soo not good at dealing with uncertainty.

Of Methods and Melodies

So - i've been playing guitar since I was 15. I'm not very good and I've taken VERY few lessons. I learned to play just enough to give a key and a little background to my singing - which is also not very good but I enjoy doing it. It's a great release and escape for me. I used to write songs all the time. I was very creative when I was younger. After I got rid of the teen angst and the (in hindsight) terrible typical teen adolescent songs about boys and drama I sort of couldn't find a song I was happy with. I also love teaching - to me it is as natural as breathing - even when it is frustrating and stressing me. I have never combined the two until tonight and I am extremely happy with the results. This song is written for and about my wonderful first graders. Some parts are based on particular kids some are just based about the general attitudes and habits of the typical first grader. What do you think?

Front Door

Where ya goin?
What's the hurry?
What's waiting for you out there?
Take a breath
Don't miss the unmarked path
in your eagerness to be
somewhere,
anywhere,
not here.

With your sweet smile, that melts my heart
you'll change the world. You're eager to start.
So spread your wings, and learn to soar.
But don't forget the beauty of your own
front door.

Quiet intelligence with humility
you'll shine, brighter than the brightest star.
Peacemaker, Negotiator, calming the crowed
let your voice ring loud

With your sweet smile, that melts my heart
you'll change the world. You're eager to start.
So spread your wings, and learn to soar.
But don't forget the beauty of your own
front door

I'll sit quietly in the background
shining brightly and proud
at what I knew you'd achieve
I always believed in. . .

That sweet smile, that melts my heart
you'll change the world. You're eager to start.
So spread your wings, and learn to soar.
But don't forget the beauty of your own
front door

:) I will dearly miss these kiddos when I have to leave - it will break my heart.

One Step at a Time

Week two is done. I officially understand why teachers' desks are always covered. I tried desperately to keep mine neat and organized but things just kept appearing on it! I also have a whole new respect for teachers. Every night this week I've gone home and my legs have been killing me from all the squatting and running up and down stairs (there are a TON of stairs in my school) and standing and walking around for hours on end. Also - i'm used to being just one kind of exhausted. Physically exhausted from working out or running around etc. Or mentally exhausted from homework, reading, studying etc. However - at the end of the day I am BOTH with teaching. I am totally drained and just want to lay on the couch and stare at the ceiling for a couple hours after school. (I normally do get a second wind in the evening if I have a chance to rest for awhile) I am usually perky and ready to go in the morning but the last hour/ hour and a half of school I am usually dragging and fighting to make it through. And I stay for all the after school stuff so I don't go home right when school ends every day. My teacher doesn't seem to show theses signs she seems fine right through to the end of the day. Again I say - I have a totally new respect for teachers. I am hoping it gets better once I get used to the routine. After all - I've only been in the classroom 7 days. This coming week is my first 5 day week. It is also right to read week so we have a ton of assemblies and extra stuff. They have a math test Thursday which means on Friday she officially hands math instruction over to me. I have my first chapter planned out. My math lesson on Friday is also my first lesson to be formally observed and evaluated by my university supervisor. I am hoping to keep my energy up this week and have a lot of fun with the kids. I love what I do and I do have fun all day. Apparently I just put all that I have into my teaching and don't have much left over at the end of the day. But, I'll just take it one step at a time and hope my energy level rises as I get used to this schedule.

The Adventure Begins

This is my first week of student teaching. It has been a blast so far. (The whole two days of it, lol) I love that one of my oldest and best friends is doing it with me. Sara has gone to a different college and now by some awesome coincidence, we are student teaching just a few doors down from each other :) It is nice to have someone I know to sit with at lunch. She is only there for 1/2 the time so it'll be sad when she leaves.

My first day was a whirlwind. The teacher was at a conference so there was a sub. The sub let me have free reign because she'd never been in the classroom before. I taught from 8:30am - 1:30 pm at which time I lost my voice. I still helped a lot but with stuff that didn't involve my voice - like demonstrating the science experiment. I was also going on 2 hours of sleep and I had a cold. I gained a WHOLE new appreciation for teachers that day. I went home so tired I barely recognized my own house and my legs hurt so bad from being up and moving around and squatting down to talk to kids all day that i curled in the chair and didn't move for hours!

Day 2 was like crazy. My teacher was back. I got to sit back and watch her do it the way it was supposed to be done! My teacher is wonderful. She is such a fantastic teacher and I know she is going to teach me so much this semester! We talked a lot about how I"m going to be incorporated into the class and she let me choose when I got up and helped and when I just sat and observed. I wasn't nearly as tired or sore after day 2 and it proved to me why they ease you into taking control of the classroom.

I have 19 students. Mostly boys. With a HUGE range of ability levels. The management in the classroom is amazing. I saw her gently warn students twice but other than that - no problems. I need to learn this woman's secret. The kids are just sweet. I have a desk and they made me this like table mat thing to put on it. There is stuff all over it and I find new things on it everyday. I'm slowly making the desk I own. The picture is how I found it on my very first day. I added my teacher bell and I'm going to add pictures and helpful things like paper clips and stickers and such. The kids keep asking "When is Miss.Trippe going to teach" because I taught the entire first day and not much at all the second day. I think it confused them but it flatters me because apparently they like the way I teach :) We have students on IEP with varying needs that are "mainstreamed" into the classroom a few times a day. I know that is a bit of an outdated term but that is the term the school uses. We have two students that come in the morning for calendar and story time. And 3 students who come in the afternoon for science/social studies. They also are combined with some students with special needs during their specials. The students are called "our visitors" and welcomed into the classroom with open arms by the teachers and the students.

I have one student I wish you all to keep in your prayers. For confidentiality purposes I will not put any of his personal information down (name included) When I first met him last semester he had a trach in his throat because of a tumor. I was informed that the tumor was not cancer but they did not know what it is. They were leaving it alone because it was not getting any worse and taking it out might meaning the boy would never speak again. This boy was shy but so sweet in the few hours I visited. He kept reading me books and telling me stories and I hear he loves being in school. He just touched my heart. When I went to start student teaching I was really excited to see him again but he wasn't there. I found out my first day of teaching he was getting his tumor out. It had begun to spread and they had no choice. It was VERY successful, they were able to rebuild the parts of the esophagus they removed with other muscles. However, the recovery road is a long one. He has to relearn how to swallow - a basic human reaction that even newborns instinctively know. He can't speak either. The doctors remain hopeful that he will be able to relearn how to speak which is way better than they originally thought. He will have a trach and a feed tube for a long time though. This little boy is stubborn and a fighter. He's also as sweet and genuine as they get. Keep him in your prayers.

Day 3 was a snow day. lol. It's been a great day for me to catch up on things I've been too busy to do the last few days. This day has given me a lot of time to reflect. I feel my life and habits changing even in just these twos days. My attitude about life is changing. I'm always the one thinking "when do i get to relax?" And yet, Today - i get an unexpected day off - and I'd rather be at school. There is no more boring to my school anymore. I'm working doing something I love everyday and learning new things and being entertained. I even love my seminar class which goes very fast and is helping me with all the non educational parts of becoming a teacher (resume, interviews, apply for my license etc)My university supervisor is my favorite professor. I am even deviating from the normal student teaching assignments to be a part of a pilot student teaching assessment program and I get all kinds of good stuff to put in my portfolio for doing it. I love my school. I walk in there and feel so confident and at home and so sure that this is where I am supposed to be.

I am going to try to keep this fairly updated - but bare with me as I am pretty busy. Now - for something I want to add to all my student teaching posts "Awesome things kids said"

"Miss. Trippe! Wait! You have to use the Fairy Wand!!"

"It's not hand sanitizer it's HANITZER!"

"So, you want to be a teacher when you grow up?" (what i love about this phrase is that the students assume I am not yet "grown up" yes!)

This isn't a phrase but the students dance at the end of every day. I wish I was allowed to post a video. It's the funniest thing I've ever seen.

*After reading a section of their chapter book about two caterpillars falling and love and getting married*
Several of the BOYS from the class: "But it's soo good! Why can't we keep reading?"

Girl talking to my teacher "Mommy!"
Teacher: "Did you just call me mommy? haha - as long as you don't call me grandma!"
*Several hours later*
Boy talking to teacher: "Grandma!" (this was not done on purpose)

There are more but unfortunately i can't remember them right now!

30 Days of Truth: Day 21

Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

So I realize I'm not really doing these everyday but oh well - I'll do them all eventually.

Not really too sure. Me and Kim have been in exactly one real fight in almost 10 years of friendship. I don't see us finishing a fight without making up first. So - we probably wouldn't even be mad at each other at this point anyway. However - i'd probably be beside myself worried/upset either way and be calling her husband every 2 seconds for an update and probably driving down to see her.


Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Post a song that reminds you of your significant other and explain why.
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to the one you love.

30 Days of Truth: Day 20

Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Drugs are always bad. Unless of course they are the legal kind that are prescribed to you to make you better when your sick. Those are okay when used the right way. Alcohol is okay in moderation but I'm not a fan of drunks or being drunk.

Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Post a song that reminds you of your significant other and explain why.
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to the one you love.